allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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