I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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