If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
