he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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