I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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