god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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