Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
