Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
