Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
