matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
