Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
