genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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