Just fell off a train. Bad.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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