It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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