It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize