Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
