I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize