Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
