wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize