a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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