Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
