Your tits are I can't wait for
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize