he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
