The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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