I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
