I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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