I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
