WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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