I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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