The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
