The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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