I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
