My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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