i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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