can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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