he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
