The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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