FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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