mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
