the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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