The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
