the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
