omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
