So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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