Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
