saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize