after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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