just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
