I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
