The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
