two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I party with great urgency now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
