So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize