I just pynch a tree in the face
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
