i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
