note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize