or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dignity is for republicans.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
