I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
