i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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