I think my fart just growled at me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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