I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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