i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Is Oprah even human
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
