This dress was meant to end up on your floor
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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