I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
