I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
