I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
